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How To Deal With An Alcoholic Spouse: Tips & Support

  • Reviewed by: Dr. Carl Williams, Ph.D., LCADC
  • Modified:
  • Reading Time: 17 minutes
  • Reviewed by: Dr. Carl Williams, Ph.D., LCADC
  • Last Update:
  • Reading Time: 17 minutes

Living with an alcoholic spouse can be incredibly challenging, but understanding how to deal with an alcoholic spouse is crucial for both your well-being and your partner’s path to sobriety.

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Living with a spouse who has issues with alcohol can be really hard and emotionally draining. However, you are definitely not alone in what you’re experiencing. A recent report from the World Health Organization says that alcohol causes about 2.6 million deaths each year. This is around 4.7% of all deaths, and it mostly affects men.

The 2023 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) indicates that approximately 28.9 million individuals aged 12 and above in the United States have faced challenges related to alcohol use disorder in the past year, with around 16.8 million of these being men.

Understanding the complexities of alcoholism and identifying effective coping strategies is essential for both you and your partner. This guide offers important insights, practical recommendations, and resources aimed at assisting you through this challenging period.

Table of Contents

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Families & Addiction

Physical, Behavioral, & Psychological Signs of Alcoholism

Understanding Alcoholism

Many mental health experts and researchers believe that using terms like alcoholism, alcoholic, and alcohol abuse is not appropriate. They think these terms can be harmful and misleading. They state that they contribute to labeling and development stigma and other negative attitudes towards individuals with AUD.

These terms refer to the same issue. However, stigma can make the situation worse. It can stop people from asking for help and lead to worse outcomes.

Today, doctors call alcoholism alcohol use disorder (AUD). It is a long-term medical condition. AUD can cause many changes in the brain and body.

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These changes may make it hard for people to stop drinking. Many will keep drinking to avoid the pain of withdrawal symptoms. AUD may have a substantial impact on someone’s thoughts and behaviors, impairing their capacity to regulate their alcohol usage.

Recognizing that alcoholism is a chronic disease is crucial, and recovery is achievable. We should see drinking problems as both mental and physical health challenges. They are similar to serious illnesses like cancer, high blood pressure, or depression.

For people with AUD, just “stopping drinking” is often not enough. Recovery usually requires several treatment efforts. It also needs support and a real desire to change.

What Causes Alcoholism?

There are many factors that can contribute to the development of alcoholism. This condition often appears after long periods of heavy drinking. It makes the brain depend on alcohol’s chemicals, which makes it harder to quit. Critical contributors to alcohol abuse and alcoholism include:

  • Early Drinking

Many studies show that people who start drinking before age 15 are three times more likely to have AUD by age 26. This is compared to those who begin drinking at age 21 or later. Also, the risk is much higher for women. Because of this, early drinking is a big concern.

  • Environmental Factors

Scholars have devoted decades to discovering how your surroundings contribute to the risk of contracting substance use disorders. Their results show that the proximity to liquor stores and bars raises the chances of alcoholism. Moreover, every time we watch TV or go online, we see alcohol advertisements that come along with perceived messages that drinking is a fun activity to engage in. In fact, the advertising of alcohol products in the United States more than quadrupled from 1971 to 2011!

Surprisingly, people living in wealthy areas drink more alcohol than those in poorer areas. A recent Gallup poll found that 78% of people with a household income of $75,000 or more drink alcohol. In contrast, only about 45% of those earning $30,000 or less consume alcohol.

  • Genetics and Family History

Genetic factors are closely linked to the risk of AUD. Research shows that 40-60% of this risk comes from a person’s genes. However, AUD, like other chronic illnesses, has a genetic and environmental component, regardless of the disease. For example, the drinking habits in a family can directly affect a child’s chances of facing similar problems.

  • Social Factors

Social factors can contribute to a person’s views of drinking. The way you act, including how you drink, is shaped by your culture, religion, family, and job. Family is especially important when it comes to whether someone might become an alcoholic. Children who see family members drink too much alcohol when they are young are more likely to have drinking problems later.

Starting a new job or college might increase your susceptibility to drinking. During these times, you want to establish new acquaintances and build ties with your peers. The urge to fit in and be liked may lead you to indulge in things you would not normally engage in.

Before you realize it, you’re going to every company’s happy hour. Happy hour is a time, usually in the early evening, when bars and restaurants give discounts on drinks and snacks.

  • Mental Illnesses and a History of Trauma

Many mental health conditions, such as depression, PTSD, and ADHD, are often linked to alcohol use disorder (AUD). When someone is dealing with these mental health problems, their chances of getting AUD can rise a lot. Also, people who have experienced trauma during childhood may be more likely to misuse alcohol. This connection highlights how our past experiences and mental health can influence our relationship with alcohol.

What are the Signs of Alcoholism?

There are several good ways to check if someone has a problem with alcohol. One method is the CAGE questionnaire. This simple list of questions will help you determine the severity of a drinking problem. Here are the four main areas to check for in your spouse or anyone else you’re concerned about, based on the CAGE questionnaire:

  • Have they ever felt like they should cut back on their drinking?
  • Do they get annoyed when you or others talk about their drinking habits?
  • Have they ever felt guilty or regretful about their drinking?
  • Have they ever had a drink first thing in the morning to calm down or deal with a hangover?

If any of these things sound like them, it could be a sign that they’re struggling with alcoholism. It’s a difficult situation, but recognizing these signs is a key first step.

Medical practitioners often use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) to see if someone has alcoholism. The DSM questionnaire, like the CAGE questionnaire, has a collection of questions. These questions focus on a person’s drinking habits throughout the previous year.

The DSM questionnaire shows some signs that your spouse’s drinking has become alcoholism (Alcohol Use Disorder). These signs include:

  • Do they continue to drink even when it makes them feel sad, anxious, or makes other health problems worse?
  • Have they ever found themselves drinking way more than they intended to?
  • Have they lost interest in things they used to enjoy because of their drinking?
  • Do they feel sick or uncomfortable when they don’t drink?
  • Do they have strong urges to drink alcohol?
  • Have they done dangerous things while drinking, like driving or using heavy equipment?
  • Have they had any legal troubles because of their drinking?

If any of these questions resonate with you, it may indicate a serious alcohol problem. This issue should be examined by an addiction specialist.

How Does Alcoholism Affect a Marriage?

Various elements play a role in the link between marital instability and alcohol use. Research from the University of Buffalo shows that nearly 50% of marriages end when one partner drinks heavily.

The study revealed that the divorce rate is a little higher when the wife is a heavy drinker. Interestingly, couples where both partners drink a lot have a divorce rate of about 30%. This rate is similar to couples who don’t drink much.

It’s crucial to realize that living with heavy drinkers doesn’t lead to a healthy home. Sharing similar challenges may seem to bring people closer. However, it can seriously affect children, finances, and everyone’s health.

Here are some significant ways that alcoholism can harm your marriage:

Constant Anxiety and Concern  

Living with an addicted family member causes constant concern. You might worry about their safety based on what they do, where they go, and how they act. You may wonder if they will come home safely or get into dangerous situations. But for those in romantic relationships, the worry and other mental repercussions can be too much to take.

Problems with Intimacy and Having Children  

If you want to have children in the future, drinking may get in the way. Drinking alcohol can hurt a woman’s ability to get pregnant. It can also lower sperm quality in men. This adds strain to an already weak relationship, perhaps complicating matters.

Financial Burden  

Let’s face it: drinking may be pretty expensive at times. Conflict happens when one spouse uses family money to support alcoholism. It can also occur when money is spent in ways that harm both partners.

That is why tension arises when money that could support shared goals is spent on drinking instead. This creates financial pressure on the family. It often leads to conflict, making it hard to maintain good manners within the family.

Diminished Intimacy

To the core of any romantic partnership lie the affectionate and sexual experiences you have as an individual. But alcohol kills that… In fact, you will struggle with sexual performance and finding words to tell your spouse how you feel.

Emotional Unavailability

You need to feel connected to the person you love, which is difficult to do when they have drinking issues. Alcohol has such a negative impact on their brain’s regular functioning. Memory loss is common in heavy drinkers. It can be hard to connect with someone who forgets events from the day.

Many use alcohol to hide their feelings. It just alienates you and makes you feel as if there is a wall between you and them.

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Effective Strategies for Discussing Alcohol Concerns with Your Spouse

Approaching Your Spouse About Their Alcoholism

It can be scary to think that your spouse might have a drinking problem. Talking to them about it can be even harder. Whether you’ve recently observed it or have been concerned for a while, it’s critical to confront their drinking habits. When you decide to discuss your spouse’s drinking behavior, keep these points in mind.

  • Choose the Right Time: Do not discuss any issues during excitement or anger; ensure you choose a time when both of you are sober.
  • Be Compassionate and Non-Judgmental: Be assertive when you speak, not aggressive. For example, say, “I feel stressed when we drink too much alcohol.” Can I talk to you about it? ”
  • Focus on Specific Behaviors: Dedicate your discussion to point to certain episodes that you are concerned with and that you wish to bring up rather than aimlessly generalizing.
  • Listen Actively: Let your spouse speak what they have to say regarding the need to discuss it at that time without interrupting them.

How to Have a Conversation About Your Concerns

Here are some tips to help you navigate this sensitive topic:

Learn About AUD First

You should have a basic understanding of alcohol use disorder (AUD). You can learn about it from many sources. These include blog posts on rehab websites, government sites, and YouTube channels.

You can also check professional social media groups. Talking to addiction experts in your area is another good option.

It’s essential to understand how alcohol affects people and how they can start their recovery journey. Quitting can be tough for someone, especially if they are turning to alcohol to cope with stress or to avoid withdrawal symptoms.

When they are sober, try to have a conversation about your concerns. You could, for example, say, ‘Hey, I am perturbed about how much you drink.’

I stay updated by watching videos on YouTube. Recently, I saw a fascinating video about this topic. If you think about changing how you drink, I have learned a lot. I can share some helpful resources with you.

Sharing information can be helpful. Some people feel more comfortable when they know you understand how alcohol affects them. Make sure to choose your words carefully. For instance, it’s better not to label them as an alcoholic since that can make them feel stigmatized.

Finally, offer to accompany them to see a doctor or counselor. This shows that you truly care and are willing to support them through their journey.

Choose the Right Time

Timing is everything. Try to initiate this crutial conversation when your partner is sober and in a good mental space. Avoid discussions right after an argument or when they’ve been drinking. Look for a moment when you’re both relaxed and open tcrucialo talking.

Plan What You Want to Say

It’s helpful to note your thoughts before having a conversation. Keep your tone neutral and avoid any phrases that could seem like you’re accusing them. You could start with, “I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind.” Focus on the facts regarding their drinking and calmly share your feelings.

Explore Underlying Issues

Heavy drinking can occasionally be a result of trauma or unresolved mental health difficulties. Discuss potential options, such as counseling, and what may be causing them to drink. Addressing these underlying problems can make a significant difference.

Be Open-Minded and Empathetic

When you don’t see eye to eye with your spouse who drinks a lot, try not to take it to heart. People who struggle with alcohol often feel ashamed or guilty about their choices.

It might help to look at things from their perspective. They may feel better knowing they are not alone in their struggles. This is especially true if you or others have faced similar issues and found ways to overcome them. Listen actively and avoid using guilt or threats.

Focus on Their Motivations

Remind your partner of the things they love that don’t involve alcohol. Maybe they used to enjoy hiking or playing sports, but drinking has held them back. Highlighting these passions can help motivate them to cut back.

Appreciate any decision they promise to make toward recovery

If they choose to, they will start by drinking less. They should feel good about this and always celebrate their successes, no matter how small. If they choose to have one drink instead of several, acknowledge that effort. Positive reinforcement can go a long way.

Set a Good Example

It’s important to model healthy behavior. If you also drink heavily, it might undermine your message. Instead, suggest fun activities that don’t revolve around alcohol. Your actions can influence your partner’s choices.

What to Do If Your Spouse Denies Their Alcoholism

If your spouse dismisses your concerns:

  • Remain Calm: Do not complicate the situation, and most importantly, do not get angry, as this will make them defensive.
  • Provide Resources: Recommend that they learn about alcoholism and its effects and give them materials to read or to watch that might appeal to them. 
  • Seek Support: Try to find support from groups or counselors. If your spouse values their faith, a religious leader might be a good option. Also, think about reaching out to people they respect, like mentors, parents, bosses, or friends.
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Professional Treatment Options & Support for Your Spouse

How to Help an Alcoholic Spouse

Getting help from a professional, especially a mental health expert, can support you. This is important when facing the challenges of having an alcoholic spouse.

Even if your spouse is not ready for rehab, you can still join a support group. These groups are led by professionals and are for partners or family members of those with substance use issues. They can provide you with support, guidance, and helpful resources to assist you through this difficult time.

They can also help you identify additional ways to make sure your spouse consents to treatment. Once you convince your partner to go to treatment, the staff at the rehab center will know what to do next.

Types of Treatment for Alcoholism

Professional treatment options for alcoholism vary and may include:

  • Detoxification (Medication-Assisted Treatment): Detox often includes medication. Doctors refer to this as MAT. It involves giving patients specific drugs. These drugs help ease withdrawal symptoms. This happens as patients slowly reduce their alcohol intake. This process occurs in the presence of an addiction treatment specialist to oversee the process.
  • Rehabilitation Programs: After detox, a patient typically proceeds to join an inpatient, partial hospitalization, or outpatient treatment program that combines therapy and support.
  • Counseling: Individual or couples therapy can address underlying reasons why someone drinks heavily and improve communication. Common ones include cognitive behavioral therapy, experiential therapy, group therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy.
  • Support Groups: These are groups that mainly comprise people who are in recovery. Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) provide community support and accountability.

How to Find the Right Treatment for Your Spouse

Choosing the best treatment for your spouse can be really important and sometimes tough. Here are some helpful steps:

  • Look into Your Options: Begin by checking out local treatment programs, whether they are inpatient or outpatient. Read reviews and stories from past patients to understand their experiences. Pay attention to success rates and the types of therapies available, as this can help you find programs that fit your spouse’s needs.
  • Talk to Experts in the Field: Consult with addiction specialists or other related professionals, such as doctors or mental health experts. They can look at all the important health issues. They will suggest the best treatment to follow. They will also make sure that the chosen therapy will help your spouse’s health.
  • Respect Their Choices: It’s vital to include your spouse in the decision-making process. Discuss their views and ideas on various treatment choices; this can help them feel more involved in their rehabilitation. When you let people share their choices, you can create teamwork. This teamwork can boost their commitment to the future.
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Encouraging Sobriety & Managing Relapses

Supporting Your Spouse in Recovery

Your spouse’s drinking problems and recovery should be seen as a family issue. It needs the support of all family members. This support includes mental, emotional, physical, and even financial help.

Alcoholism affects every part of the family. The role of family in recovery is very important and should not be ignored.

How to Encourage Your Spouse to Stay Sober

Supporting your spouse during recovery requires:

  • Creating a Sober Environment: Remove temptations and encourage healthy activities.
  • Celebrating Milestones: Acknowledge their achievements, no matter how small.
  • Participating in Supportive Activities: Work on rebuilding trust and bond, and an understanding that together, you can overcome anything. Engage in sober activities together, like hiking or cooking.

Dealing with Relapses

Relapses can occur, and it’s essential to:

  • Review Their Treatment Approaches: If you have any doubts about your spouse’s treatment plan, then it would be wise to get a second opinion from another doctor. This can give useful information when you start discussing any changes needed for their rehabilitation program.
  • Foster Continuous Support: Please encourage them to get back to therapy or support groups. Relapse (or recurrent relapses) is one component of alcohol and drug addiction recovery that may be indicative of healing. It is not a failure, but a reminder that when we fall, we must get back up and continue our journey.
  • Stay Calm and Compassionate: It is important not to lay the blame; focus on why a relapse occurred and how it might be prevented or substantially minimized.
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Setting Boundaries & Seeking Support

Taking Care of Yourself When Living With an Alcoholic

Being with a spouse who has a drinking problem can be difficult and draining. A 2016 study revealed that spouses of patients with AUD often encounter acute mental, physical, and social strain.

Setting Boundaries and Taking Time for Yourself

It’s important to remember your well-being is essential. Here’s how to protect yourself and set healthy boundaries:

  • Be clear about what specific behaviors you will and will not accept (establish boundaries).
  • Engage in physical and mental activities that bring you joy and relaxation (prioritize Self-care).
  • Consider individual counseling to process your feelings and develop coping strategies (seek therapy).

Support Groups for Spouses of Alcoholics

Support groups like Al-anon for partners of people who drink too much are places to share feelings and experiences. These gatherings create a safe space for members to connect with others who understand what they’re going through. The meetings can happen in person or online, and they might be run by a leader or by the members themselves.

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The Rolling Hills Recovery Center: Take the Next Step Towards Healing from Alcoholism

At Rolling Hills Recovery Center, we offer alcohol addiction treatment and dedicate ourselves to providing excellent evidence-based care. We aim to improve the quality of life for each client while respecting their dignity.

We understand how far-reaching the disease of alcoholism is, affecting not only the patient but everyone around them. We prioritize relationship development, empathy, and understanding. Our mission is to help your spouse beat alcoholism. We want them to live a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life.

If you are willing to support your spouse as they seek to embrace a new life of sobriety, then contact us now. Together, we can make a difference and pave the route for healing and a brighter future.

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Written By:

Geoffrey Andaria

Geoffrey Andaria mental health writer at rolling hills recovery center
Rolling Hills Recovery Center

Mental Health Writer

About Author:

Geoffrey Andaria is an experienced mental health content writer and editor. With a B.A. in English and Journalism, Geoffrey is highly educated in freelance articles and research. Having taken courses on social work, Geoffrey is adamant about providing valuable and educational information to individuals affected by mental health and the disease of addiction.

Medically Reviewed By:

Dr. Carl Williams Ph.D., LCADC

Carl Williams, medical content reviewer at rolling hills recovery center
Rolling Hills Recovery Center

Expert Contributor

About Reviewer:

Dr. Williams presently serves on the board of Directors for two non-profit service organizations. He holds a Master’s degree in Human Services from Lincoln University, Philadelphia, Pa, and a Ph.D. with a concentration in Clinical Psychology from Union Institute and University. In Cincinnati, Ohio. He is licensed to practice addictions counseling in both New Jersey and Connecticut and has a pending application as a practicing Psychologist in New Jersey.

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